Facing a child’s fears

Practical suggestions for the first day of classes.

This is the second of our monthly advice columns written by experts from the Jewish Family Services Agency (JFSA). Each month we will tackle a new topic, based on questions sent in by readers (anonymity is assured). Please send your questions to editor@jewishindependent.ca.

Dear JFSA,
My five-year-old daughter will be starting kindergarten in September. We have also recently moved to Vancouver, which has been a big change for her and for the whole family. Our daughter is not sleeping well and is quite scared about starting a new school, so we are all feeling quite anxious about this. Any suggestions to help us through this transition?
Sincerely,
Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned Parent,
First, it’s good that you are aware of both your daughter’s and your own concerns about this new transition in your lives. Starting school or going back to school is a significant adjustment for all family members. The first step is to simply recognize and normalize these feelings. Being nervous or afraid of a new situation or change is a normal and reasonable reaction for most young children and even for many adults. Remind yourself, your partner and your daughter how you have handled other changes in your lives. For example, in your situation, when moving to a new city, everything is scary or strange at first, but often with the simple passage of time, things become easier.

There are some simple, practical things you all can do to make this transition easier. When starting or going back to school, children often have fearful, unrealistic images of what it’s going to be like. One way of addressing these fears is to actually visit the school a few weeks before classes begin. If possible, go to the classroom your daughter will be in, walk through the hallways and play in the playground. This introduces your child to the new environment, so it won’t be completely foreign when school actually begins.

Call the school to explain the situation – in your case, that you are new to the community. Ask for some names of other children who will be starting kindergarten and who might be in your daughter’s class. Try to arrange play dates with these children just prior to school starting. One of the biggest fears of young children is being alone at school and not having someone they know to be with. This plan will also allow you to meet some of the other parents to start establishing an informal support network for yourselves. It is also reassuring for you to speak with other parents going through the same process.

Go shopping for school supplies and clothes, making the process fun and giving your child choice whenever possible. Even choosing the color of their own lunch box helps children feel a sense of control over a challenging event. Doing something tangible to channel the emotion often helps to reduce the anxiety level for all of you, and can even make going to school exciting and fun.

Start adjusting your summer schedule to resemble the school year. Earlier bed times and morning wake ups that more closely resemble your upcoming back to school/work schedules will help make the transition less of a shock. A tired child is a challenge at the best of times, so reduce that possibility before school begins.

The night before school begins, rent a movie or do something fun, light and distracting. Let your daughter help prepare her lunch/snack with items she enjoys. Consider who will be the right person to take your daughter to school – it can be one or both parents. It is sometimes easier for the parent who is less emotional to be the drop-off parent. A child can easily sense a parent’s emotion and can respond to your own anxiety and ambivalence about separating. Make a plan and stick to it. It will help to get through the pressure on the day.

Make the drop-off positive. Get to school on time – not too early and not too late. Introduce yourselves to the teacher, walk your daughter through the class, show her to her desk, cubby, etc. Be supportive and remind her what a big girl she is. Reassure her that she will be fine, but don’t coddle too much. Look for the teacher’s cue and make a firm and fairly quick goodbye – lingering is generally not advisable.

During the first week of school, be patient, firm and supportive of your daughter’s adjustment. Generally, if you convey confidence in her and show steadiness, she will respond in kind. Remember, the first day will be the hardest and each following day will get easier.

If the anxiety continues or increases around going to school, you may want to seek advice first from the school counsellor and then, if needed, with a family counsellor.

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