What's your motive?

BAILA LAZARUS

This is the third in a monthly series on Internet dating, as well as general dating dos and don'ts.

So you're about to make the leap into the Internet dating world. You wrote a snazzy profile, took a great photo and now it's time to start looking at dating sites. And that starts with the question: What do you want? That is, what type of relationship are you looking for?

If you were to join www.jmatch.com, for example, you'd be asked to decide if you were looking for friendship, dating, long-term relationship, marriage or companionship (or any combination of these). On other sites, such as www.plentyoffish.com, you can find people who just want to "hang out" or talk online, or they may be looking for a short-term relationship or an activity partner.

The question often arises as to the need for all these categories. After all, even if you're looking for a long-term relationship, wouldn't you start by just dating, anyway? And what is the difference between companionship and friendship?

These lists usually follow a pattern of least to most serious.

At one end of the spectrum are people who might be new in town, newly divorced or just new to Internet dating and want to "dip a toe" in the online dating world. They might be interested in finding someone with a similar interest, such as going to art galleries or movies, just to spend some time with. There's no expectation of anything romantic and no sense of being on a date. The categories "friendship," "hang out" and "activity partner" are all areas where you can find people like this.

After that, you will find people who would like to start dating, but may not be looking for anything particularly serious. The expectations are low, but there is a sense that you will be deciding based on the date if there is enough chemistry to see each other again. People may not spend a lot of time getting to know each other online in this category, since the date serves the dual purpose of getting together for an activity and to learn more about one another.

Anything that has to do with short- or long-term relationship or marriage will, of course, involve a higher level of commitment and serious thought. People often put a lot more time, and sometimes money, into sites that are devoted to serious relationships, such as www.eharmony.com, but that doesn't mean you can't find the love of your life on the same site you'd find someone to go hiking with.

Under the category of "companionship," there are people who are looking for full-time companions to do things with, and may even want to end up in a shared-living situation, but are not necessarily looking for love, romance or physical relationships.

If you're not entirely sure how involved you want to be in a relationship and are having trouble deciding which of these categories to choose, here is where I'd urge you to follow the old saying: Don't think yourself into a new way of acting; act yourself into a new way of thinking. This well-worn adage is a perfect way of looking at any dating process. Rather than thinking and thinking about what it is you want exactly, start meeting people, even if they don't sound like your perfect match.

When you set up a profile on a dating site, indicate in your "preferred matches" that you're interested in an "activity partner" or "dating" (you can always change this setting later) and start communicating with people on the site. Allow yourself to go out with people as a "fact-finding" mission. With each date, you will become more and more clear about what you are looking for, both in terms of the level of commitment you want and the type of person you're interested in. As your awareness grows, go back and refine your profile accordingly and, when you're ready to get serious, change your preference from "dating" to "serious relationship."

Baila Lazarus is a Vancouver freelance writer. She teaches courses on Internet dating and provides one-on-one consultation and advice. She can be reached through www.tastierdates.com. Sign up for online dating at jisinglesbc.com.

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